I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
