Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
