who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
