i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
