I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
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