remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
