I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
