His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
