He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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