i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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