Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
