can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
