is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
