You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
