Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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