I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
