Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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