you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
