I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
We're too hungover to prance.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
