She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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