Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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