Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
