Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
