How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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