The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She's the barista slut.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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