Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
