What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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