I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
