So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
