Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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