I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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