need another drink. this is the easiest way
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
