o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
