Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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