I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
