Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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