I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She's the barista slut.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
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My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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