I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
