At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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