Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
