The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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