she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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