I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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