I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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