Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Two words: blizzard sex
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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