I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
