He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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