3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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