I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
