i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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