Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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