Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He's a Shit stain on my heart
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
