You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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