Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
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It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
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I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
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