sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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