Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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